Selfcare is not selfish or indulgent.
It is the very OPPOSITE of selfish to keep yourself fit and well. Who is going to look after the egg(s) properly, if the Mama Chicken is tired, weak, undernourished and demoralised?
I’ve pointed out before that Mr Pilates was ahead of the game. We know from the quotes that he was a Wise Man and 20 steps ahead of the medical profession recognising the link between Mind & Body.
However, given that we are not Ballet Dancers or Celebrities in New York city in the 60s, the need to care for ourselves – mind and body – has to co-exist with all the demands that come with being a Mama Chicken (or Papa Cockerel, of course). And eggs don’t just come disguised as newly hatched chicks when we are in our youthful prime. We might feel forever 28, but life is a journey, in which we quietly accumulate career eggs, elderly parent eggs & partner eggs, not forgetting house, garden, friends, & pet-type eggs too.
Do you need to focus on gaining energy?
Back in 2021 I went to a workshop called NOURISH! – a lovely word-play. The combined wisdom of the leaders, inspiring Cambridge women Lavinia Brown (a life coach @bobmama_net) and Zoe Kirby (a nutritionist & yoga teacher @zoekirbynutrition) led me to a heap of reflections and ah-ha moments.
REST vs Mindfulness: what’s the difference?
The key point was to recognise that we need REST. Not mindfulness. Not sleep. Something a bit different. Something I hadn’t previously realised was different, or often missing. REST.
How do we know we need it?
Lavinia led a brainstorm of ways to recognise that we need REST.
There are Physical, Mental & Emotional signs & signals, that tell us that our body & mind are struggling to perform. They are different and combine uniquely for each of us. Think headache, loss of attention, and tearfulness as examples in each category. You may not know yet what yours are – but I bet you have an inkling of a few?
Since the workshop, I have a personal analogy to recognise my own need for rest. I visualise myself as a Phone Battery. I am on the look out for LOW POWER MODE. When I check my inner dial I’m no longer in the green. I’m in YELLOW. My internal voice is trying to say – girl watch out – you are dangerously close to Red- where-Nothing-Functions-Well and next stop is burn out:
- physical = tight neck
- mental = scattered + overwhelmed
- emotional = short fuse and/or tears (depending on hormone-levels).
It’s when I need to Plug-IN for a short re-charge. Not that routine long-charging of my phone, to reliably give me the whole of tomorrow. That’s SLEEP. Rest is rather a choice to give up using my phone completely for 10 minutes, in order to benefit by getting sufficiently back into the green. Getting enough battery power for a proper 2 hours of full-function ahead. Delayed gratification in it’s most difficult manifestation?
My Rest Tips (note to self)
(part inspirational Lavinia, part workshop after-thoughts)
#1. A rest is as good as a sleep
One of my mother’s favourite expressions. Meaning “just lie there” and BE. Don’t fight it. Don’t discount it. This Has Value. Even (especially) at 2am.
#2. Oxymoron. Activity can be rest-full.
REST doesn’t have to mean Doing Nothing. Rest can be classic activities like walking, reading a book, gardening, baking or doing some Pilates practice.
Activities can be restful by enriching and enlivening us. Such as having coffee with a friend, drinks & laughter with a gang, going to an energetic exercise class, even cleaning (unless multi-tasking puts you back in the yellow zone…).
If the intention (and effect) is to recharge your battery, not deplete it, you could have a long list of options. Mine include: mowing the lawn, making a cake, reading the frivilous bits of a newspaper (not the actual news), listening to a podcast and a dogwalk with a friend.
#3 Rest can be INVIGORATING or SOOTHING
Lavinia highlighted that we need each of these at different times. A single activity might be used for either purpose. Going for a run might fire you up for the day ahead or allow your mind to clear from the one you just had. Choose from your palette of Pilates exercises to tick the right box – spine curls and stretches to soothe. Planks, tabletop legs and free weights to invigorate!
#4 QUALITY rest time
We identify QRT options by taking time to notice the activities that feel like rest time even though you are busy. These are the ones that put you “in the zone” where time goes by without you noticing and/or feeling depleted by the task. Could be mundane (folding laundry) or personal (sorting through your photostream) or even work related (I find writing posts is a place I get creatively lost, and (don’t judge) so is doing my quarterly accounts). Things like that perfect card game which only requires a little bit of active brain power and mostly luck!
#5 Put the BIG rocks in first.
That old chestnut. School assembly stuff. REST FIRST, there is always space to DO more.
#6 Make a go-to list for Yellow Moments
When you are in LOW POWER MODE it is likely that your thought processes are slower, so it is harder to think what would you get out of the mode. Keep your list handy.
#7 Why DON’T we rest?
How do we self-sabotage? WHY do we? I read recently that if we can predict the outcome (no matter how negative) we feel more in control. Control freak? Who, me? A tiny bit of self-reflection and we all know we do this. Multiple reasons. Not sharing.
#8 ACCEPT Low Power Mode
Sometimes we truly can’t plug in to re-charge. But there is still choice. If I don’t want to “go Red” I have to accept that some functions need to switch OFF and can’t be used for a while. Choosing actively & wisely how to use the last bit of power.
For example, when I find it’s impossible to make brainy decisions, I can still get some banking done or answer some low-key signposting-type emails, or empty the dishwasher. Or I can persuade myself & The Child into a simple card game, as a less effortful option than arguing over homework.
I’ve even been known to curl up for some arbitrary TV-time (proof I’m really out of juice). Occasionally I need to accept the need to Power Right Down until I can find a proper socket way to re-charge.
#9 Don’t be the Victim
Lavinia’s workshop’s hardest truth (put very kindly of course). Am I waiting for someone to give me permission to rest? Or offer me the rest on a plate – “you look tired, here sit down, I’ll cook dinner….”. Sure that would be nice but as she pointed out we disempower our Self by waiting for a Shining Knight. With the risk of becoming bitter and resentful when one doesn’t turn up.
Do I go around plugging other people’s phones in for them? No. Do I remind other people to charge their phones? No! It is MY responsibility to keep my battery charged.
#10 Anticipate: spot patterns
Why am I overwhelmed by friends for supper tonight? What did I say “let’s meet up” but now wish I could go to bed? I want to ENJOY the social stuff like I planned, not resent I overcommitted. This is definitely one of my regular patterns. How to refresh a work-depleted Friday night batter? Get a proper boost to see me through a fun & fulfilling late night out out? I continue to experiment with a) knowing I need to do this and b) methods – long soak or quick shower? Read for 10 mins? Sort socks?!
# Bonus: for mums. It is a job.
Have you noticed that with Small Ones, 4pm is no longer the end of theday? IT is merely the lull – before the real work begins?! Teatime, bathtime & bedtime are physically and mentally Hard Work. It IS a Job.
Could you re-charge/re-boost just before it all kicks off? Or get baby to bed, then have 20 mins “time out” sot hat you can re-focus on your relationship with your partner and your own personal to-do list – rather than an anti-social crash-out from exhaustion?
Finally, (at the risk of giving you a lecture when you really need a hug) NAPTIMES. Reflecting back to my own baby-days, what would I do different? Or suggest for you? Try making the decision to shut your eyes FIRST as soon as baby is asleep. 20 mins half-nap half-do will be SO much more productive overall. I know you won’t believe me till you try it. But it’s truly a Game-changer.
# Bonus. For everyone. Reframe.
Do you want to go to your regular postnatal/Pilates class/spinning/run/swim….but feel that your power mode is too low to even get you out the door? Perhaps Re-frame to focus on the real benefit? Forget your body think battery. That short weary drive (in practically red-mode) to get you to the hall/studio/poolcould give you a couple of DAYS worth of power.
We DO have choices
My phone battery rarely catches me out. So why should my body battery?
REST is a positive CHOICE that I make for myself. A guiltless no-brainer.
It doesn’t seem selfish or indulgent to ask myself “Do I want to get through my afternoon clinic offering my patients the best me, clear thinking, enthusiastic, energetic?” Of course. Then it’s perfectly OK to stop, close my door, eat my lunch, breathe & BE for 10 minutes.
Still Me, plugged in.
Does this concept of Rest vs sleep resonate with you?? Which of the Rest Tips had your name on it? What do you do to stay out of the yellow zone? How to you re-charge? Do join the conversations @propelvic
