#3 When postnatal sex is just a bit flat

Getting your Mojo back: #3 When postnatal sex is just a bit flat

What if you are having sex, confident there’s no medical issue, but it’s just not really ‘doing’ it for you? I’ve heard mums say postnatal sex is “flat”, “a bit boring really”, “sore and uncomfortable”, or “not very satisfying”.

I have 3 suggestions to help you move forward from here:

1. Are you flexible enough?

You need flexibility in the spine, pelvis, and hips for comfortable sex. If you blur out the nakedness the Karma Sutra looks a lot like advanced yoga!

Pelvic Health physiotherapists assess and treat antenatal and postnatal pelvic girdle pain (PGP) and back problems. These commonly hurt.

However, we also notice that you can go stiff in your back and hip joints quietly, with no pain at all, no apparent loss of ability to walk, sit, and carry. However, we are not at our optimum function anymore. With our bodies it is easy not to notice what you are missing.

Stiffness often doesn’t hurt but it makes it hard to do yoga/karma sutra moves!

In everyday life, clues that your back/hips might be stiff:

you wake in the morning feeling more like a granny than a gazelle and have to “get going” for a few minutes (or half an hour!) before you feel like yourself?
after you have been sitting for a while, your first few steps are painful or difficult
you seem to be living with constant back ache
when you try to pick up your pace to run or walk fast or do your sport, you get backache or a proper pain
and/or your legs feel really heavy, like you are walking through thick treacle
you realise that don’t really properly stand up straight anymore

With sex this manifests as:

a sense that you can’t let go and fully relax,
you can’t take your partners weight onto you,
you can’t get comfortable or
your can’t get close enough (which then means you are not getting enough external stimulation of the clitoris, making reaching an orgasm dependent on penetration alone – not enough for most women)

If you think this might be a problem for you try:

spending a week or two focusing on stretches for your lower back, inner thighs & hips
if you had PGP during pregnancy and it is still niggling, go back to your physiotherapy team and ask for a postnatal review and assessment of your spine
if you think that your delivery might have triggered a back or hip problem ask your GP to refer you for a physiotherapy assessment. We tend to focus on trauma to perineum (the soft area) but did you have to to get into some awkward positions? Did you have to put your legs into stirrups at some point? Did you struggle to walk properly for a few days? Even with a caesarean there can be hidden trauma, possibly from being unable to feel your lower half properly yet trying to move about, let alone sleeping on a hospital bed for a night or two.

2. Do your pelvic floor muscles need some attention?

Women don’t have that many nerve endings inside the vagina. Inside, we feel ‘pressure’ and ‘deep touch’ more than light sensations. The sexual pleasure we feel comes from the rubbing and build up of friction against the vaginal walls. The vaginal walls at the base and the sides are layered with the pelvic floor muscles.

Clues that lack of pelvic floor tone might be a problem for you are:

it just feels a bit dull and boring inside during sex
you want to try to grip your partner but nothing happens
you feel there is too much room inside (you might also notice this when using tampons)

If you think WEAK pelvic floor muscles might be a problem for you:

make pelvic floor muscle training a focus for few weeks trying to make some impact on your muscle tone.
concentrate on good pelvic floor relaxation technique with breathing awareness
understand the shape and position of your vagina and pelvic floor muscles. See the plastic models in these videos.
do ENOUGH exercises to make the muscles change and grow. Try my ProPelvic pilates sequences with extra emphasis on the pelvic floor.
consider using a muscle stimulation or biofeedback device, or vaginal weighted cones to enhance your standard pelvic floor exercises.

If you think TIGHT pelvic floor muscles might be a problem for you:

see the previous post in this series #2 What to do when sex is painful

3. Are you struggling with your emotions?

Be open and honest with your partner, and with yourself. You may be loving being a mother but have you have lost your love of being a woman and a sexual partner?

If you’ve tried all the obvious things like making time (!), wining and dining each other and your usual pre-baby get in the mood tricks but you know it’s still not working for you – don’t forget that YOU could be the one (of many) experiencing a genuine, real, postnatal depression, anxiety or PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).

Chilbirth is often considered to be a painful but yet exceptionally happy and wonderful moment of a woman’s life. Clio Wood explores the difficulties of combining becoming a mother while still remaining a lover, in her exceptionally honest, well researched and heart warming book “Get your Mojo Back“. We have collaborated to create some videos to support you.

Clio Woods Get Your Mojo Back book cover

Do you need professional help to unpick things?

Postnatal depression is a very real thing, affecting too many mums, mildly or severely.

Isobel Harper my friend and local Cambridge counsellor, reminded me that any difficult birth, or even a birth that is just not as expected, can leave a woman with a sense of failure. This can show up as not feeling bonded to your baby, but also in other ways such as not enjoying time with friends, losing your sense of self, or lack of libido.

Isobel describes 10 overlooked symptoms of depression. She recommends seeking help from a therapist with perinatal experience:

some hospitals have perinatal mental health teams
some hospitals have midwives who offer a chance to talk through your birth in more detail. At the Rosie Maternity in Cambridge this service is called Birth Afterthoughts.
Petals is a national charity supporting parents affected by trauma & loss
The Birth Trauma Association, The MASIC Foundation (supporting mothers with anal sphincter injuries) and Tommy’s are all wonderful charities with extensive information on their websites.

Please seek help from your GP or local physiotherapy team. We are all here to help you.